what's new? as of today, the first day of the next 1000 years (screw off all u 2001 fans) the following things are new: new journal entries, of course new fragments, freshly written a bit more added to the clay story

the journal of the domain herein you will find the scrawlings of both the brilliant and deranged. herein will be discovered universal truths and base deceptions. it is up to you, dear reader, to decide that which is right or wrong, truth or canard. this is the journal of the domain, my domain. it is a record of my thoughts. This page has been visited times.

may 23, 1998 (12:46pm mst) may 24, 1998 (5:51pm mst) may 25, 1998 (9:27pm mst) may 26, 1998 (8:36pm mst) may 31, 1998 (9:52pm mst) june 3, 1998 (9:22pm mst) june 15, 1998 (9:51pm mst) december 17, 1999 (11:09pm gmt+1) december 19, 1999 (1:19am gmt+1) december 21, 1999 (6:35pm gmt+1) december 23, 1999 (9:26pm gmt+1) december 31, 1999 (11:22pm gmt+1) january 1, 2000 (5:22pm gmt+1)

may 23, 1998 (12:46pm mst) it is unknown to me why i sometimes miss certain things or people. i may be having the finest of days and then a stray remembrance of a person, usually a person, will fall into my head and i will miss them intensely. miss them to the point of getting angry and secluding myself in my room for no good reason at all, except that i miss them. i suppose that is what i am doing right now. i miss someone and instead of getting in touch with them, which is currently impossible given their travel plans, i sit here and click away at the keyboard. door locked. lights off. perhaps in some way i like to feel the emptiness. it reminds me of how important that person is to me. and maybe i hope in some way they are feeling the emptiness as much as me. it would be selfish, of course, to hope they had the same feeling but it is there nonetheless. lately i have done this quite a bit more than normal. missing people. when thinking of a way to describe it, i think the best i can do is to say there is a small person in my chest with a pickaxe. that person keeps chiseling away more and more. the empty space that is created grows, eating up that which is inside me. the only solace is finally speaking to that person i am missing. their energy and attitude refill the space and give me back what i had lost, assuming i lost it at all.

may 24, 1998 (5:51pm mst) in addition to my other numerous acquaintances, i have one more intimate confidant. . . . my depression is the most faithful mistress i have known-no wonder, then, that i return the love. søren kierkegaard (1813-55), danish philosopher. either/or, vol. 1, "diapsalmata" (1843; tr. 1987). i thought this appropriate for my mood. yesterday i felt the void and today i fell in. damn dark room. i think it quite ironic that i am most apt to write when i am in this state. i can hardly keep the words from flowing off my mind. a watershed of literary delight i wish i could control and focus. i wish mainly that i could do this when i am happy and jubilant. i cannot, however. when i am happy i feel like doing something active. this detracts from my writing. when i am joyful and write, i always reread it later and discard for carefree and sometimes irresponsible. when i am unhappy, especially deep in despair, the words that i expel are exactly the words i needed to describe something. though, in truth, that something is never a happy thing, a good thing. i hope i am not turning you away, dear reader, but i promised you a journal of my thoughts. sometimes they will be this ugly. hopefully they can be as equally beautiful in the days to come. o curse of marriage, that we can call these delicate creatures ours and not their appetites! william shakespeare (1564-1616), english dramatist, poet. othello, in othello, act 3, sc. 3. do you know what the cause of my pain is yet? can you guess from the clues? may 25, 1998 (9:27pm mst) well, the “weekend” is officially over and i must take stock of what i have accomplished. i have a brand new home page up and... well, i guess that’s it, huh. oh, well. the time i waste is my own. in a little better mood. jennifer called today. i haven’t talked to her all weekend. very few things can brighten my day like that. why does it seem that the happiness you are given by another person is like an addiction to a drug. it feels so good you can hardly stand it. the warmth and joy are like none other, more than you could possibly give yourself. then a while later, when that person is gone or beyond your reach, the gray moods come to haunt you. your happiness is turned into that little man, chipping at your heart. the happiness you give yourself, however, is lasting. never as intense as another’s gift to you, but it lasts. your accomplishments and things you did to make yourself proud are always there. it is a different type of bliss. i wonder which one has more value. should you aspire to the peak, knowing you will be thrown off eventually into the chasm? or should you maintain your bearing on the steady plateau. something to consider. the decision probably goes back to the type of person you are. i have no quotes for you today. i didn’t really look too hard. in fact, i didn’t look at all. my lapse in attentiveness will end tomorrow. at this hour i must say good night.

may 26, 1998 (8:36pm mst) well, here we are again. what an interesting day i’ve had. boring lectures and bad news from nearly all sides. why do i feel so up? i can’t say, but i do. the thing i want to talk about today? try this one on for size: one way relationships. they are the black hole of all relationships. i am not using the word relationship as in lovers, i am speaking about any type of relationship. here’s the scoop: almost everyone wants to meet that one person you can be totally open with, correct? some call them soul mates, whatever the term, a person you have no lies with. look at any of your relationships and ask yourself if there is a person in your life like that. most likely, there is not. you may think there is right now, but keep reading. have you told that person everything? i mean absolutely everything? if you have one of those not too accepted fetishes, could you tell that person? if you stole something and felt no remorse over the matter, could you tell that person? would they be accepting no matter what you told them? people like to think their spouses or significant others are like that, but few are. few would allow you to enact your deepest fantasies and even fewer have probably been able to earn enough trust to even hear a deepest fantasy. that is what i mean. people meet like this all the time in movies. the meet all the time in books. why does the entertainment industry portray relationships like that? because they know we all want one. perhaps you thought you found that person. perhaps you believed it so much you started to relate things you had never told anyone. and then suddenly, this person will not do the same for you. what is it you start to think? do they not trust you? is there something so horrible going on with them that they think you will hate them or think them repulsive? and how will you ever even know? they aren’t talking to you. it has become a one-way relationship. you have a two choices. be persistent. this could result in a breakthrough. it could show that you really are there for them and all you want to do is share pieces of yourself, make an ultimate connection. bare and share souls. most likely, and this could be the cynic in me speaking, they will begin to think you tedious. a nagging wretch to be discarded. choice number two? let it be. their flow stopped. so does yours. if they cannot trust you, you cannot trust them any further. they have decided there is a limit to their sharing and once that barrier has been erected, you do not know that person entirely. something is secret so everything could potentially be a falsehood. you will never know. choice number one is the passionate way to approach it. you really believe in the person. it also leaves you most vulnerable to whatever happens. you have no defense because all your cards are shown. you have given your all and left nothing back. choice two is very conservative and possibly even cowardly. but it is safe. what type of person are you? safe? passionate? are you guarded and cautious? are you fire incarnate willing to be put out by a strong breeze or the icy chill of a cold shoulder? and who will be there for you if it ends badly? you have put all your efforts into that one person. worse still is the person who doesn’t even know you see them like this. they have innocently underestimated you and your intentions or are not ready for that type of contact. theoretically all people should long for this type of contact. i have. i almost found it. i keep trying. as you can guess, there is a reason i have been wondering these things. if nothing else ever happens in my life, i want to find this person. it may take a lifetime just to discover it is who i think it is but i am willing to risk it. i think the prize is too great to give up the search. and if i look all my life and still do not find it, will i be sad? probably, but at least i made the attempt. i will believe up to my last breath that this person is out there. that fate has placed at least one soul on this world that will instantly know when we meet that there are no boundaries between us. there are no walls or secrets. i imagine we will spend days on end doing nothing else than exploring each others past and thoughts. i may have already begun that process. i may still be fooling myself. only the days, hours and minutes to come will unveil this mystery. a mystery i may have constructed myself. may 31, 1998 (9:52pm mst) another weekend passes and puts me closer to home. i have been granted a way home for nine days after my training here is completed. already people are clambering to fill in this time. i hope i can have some of it for myself. i suppose i didn’t get a lot done this weekend either. new look for the page is about all. had someone on my mind. someone who i didn’t get to talk to much this week. not sure how much time i will have to talk before i get home. i frequently wonder how many of the people here i will remember. some i do not believe i will forget but there are people in my past who were important and now occupy nearly none of my thoughts. do all these relationships end once my geographical location has been altered? sad to say, but probably. i’ve been a bad, bad girl i’ve been careless with a delicate man and it’s a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can. -fiona apple, criminal true words, how many times does it happen though? a hundred? a thousand times each day? too many of my friends here fall into this trap. it’s nasty to see. i am not sure, however, who i am more disappointed in. the boy or the girl. the boy will constantly go back for more. he doesn’t care about the consequences. and the girl is more than happy to do her part. sorry there’s not so much to say today. i’m sure tomorrow will bring me some interesting thoughts. i am expecting such a day.

june 3, 1998 (9:22pm mst) well, i guess i didn't have that kind of a day after all. oh, well. it wasn't a bad day. i want to talk about my younger years today. it was pointed out that it sounds like i may not have had a happy childhood. well, as probable as that may sound, it is untrue. i am quite pleased with my childhood and cannot think of a better way to have spent my time. we moved around quite a bit compared to a lot of people and stayed in rural michigan for the most part. i got to grow up around a lot of animals in what urban natives like to call a "sheltered" environment. sheltered meaning not afflicted with urban problems. i suppose it's true that we never had a drive-by or gang trouble where i lived. so what. anyway, the country allowed for a lot of imagining. most say that this is my prime talent. a lot of you are probably saying, "wahoo. so he can imagine." well, i like it and it keeps me happy. i can think of much worse prime talents. if i think about it, i suppose i never really was unhappy until i became an adult. able to make my own choices, i tried quickly to screw everything up. luckily my parents had taught me how to overcome those obstacles that were self made. now that i think about it, i tend to believe that being an adult vs a child is a lot like that happiness phenomenon i wrote about earlier. yes, now that i am an adult, my choices can royally screw up my life. much more so than when i was a child. but, i never remember being as happy or as sad in the extreme as i can accomplish now. childhood was more of a mediocrely happy time. being an adult is a mountain top, valley floor kind of situation. btw- my dad and mom were great. they taught me a lot about being a parent and i plan to use every scrap they left me with... except my kids will never have to pick up the garbage my dog ripped open... every week... without fail... because we didn't have trash pick-up... god! the emotional scars! june 15, 1998 (9:51pm mst) yup. there's been a break in the journal. i assure you it is due to diligent personal development and the fact that i am working on a story to put on here. my first shot at a murder short story. well, fourteen days and a wake up and i am home. graduation from this course is imminent. nothing can really stop that now. physically fit. mentally alert. wahoo! what to talk about. i haven't really had any heavy thoughts lately and i don't want to artificially create a pondering so in an attempt to keep the journal genuine, i will have to say good night.

december 17, 1999 (11:09pm gmt+1) is it allowed to call a break this long a hiatus? i'm not sure. to tell the truth, I don't care. i'm just glad to be rambling on the computer again. what to talk about. again, i'm not too sure. it has been a while. uncertainty abounds these days. how about expectations. have u ever noticed that expectations are usually ruined when u make them public? for example, you are in line for a military award. it looks rock solid. someone else u know got the same award for the exact same thing. so, in a fit of pride and glory u let everyone know u are going to be getting this thing. then, for a completely unexplained reason, it doesn't happen. or... you are about to take a trip. it is a wonderful trip. a trip u have waited for a long time, maybe a lifetime. u buy the tickets. u make the plans. u get the time off. and then u fuck it all up by telling a few people. i don't know if telling people will ruin my trip, but i can tell u that i rescinded the telling. i actually went back and told them i wasn't going after all. will this hide me from the spoil demons that pop up to shit on my parade? i'll let u know in a month or so. i am actually taking a trip. i don't mind telling u over the internet because i don't think the forces of evil aligned against me are as technically proficient as they would need to be to nail me here. in some respects, i have wanted to go on this trip for a year or two. in others, it is possibly the nexus of a lifetime. two lifetimes to be exact. my hopes are high and my mojo is working overtime for me. considering the low i am in at the moment any step is a step up. speaking of the pit i'm in now, i already have the topic for tomorrow. betcha can't wait.

december 19, 1999 (1:19am gmt+1) and it's hard to hold a candle in the cold november rain. -guns and roses well, i was gonna write a heart wrenching dissertation on how cruel chicks can be but what the hell, u don't need me stressing the obvious anymore, right? so, something a little more whimsical. i was thinkin, reincarnation... so, souls are eternal. i don't know if this is a debatable thing. you either believe it or u don't. i'm a pretty instinctive type person and i tend to believe i'm not a fire and forget organism. i think there is something more so i do tend to believe in reincarnation in some form. it just seems right to me. i go a little more in depth with it but i won't lead u down the neospooky is a whack job path just yet. i also believe in some sort of balance. i don't think good and evil are things that can exist without one another. i think good begets good and evil begets evil. this is a hard one for me to believe cause although it feels right in my gut, i see so many people get away with so much shit it is unbelievable. could this mean my view of good and evil is skewed? possibly. maybe what i see as evil is simply not in agreement with what i see as good. that's a whole other argument though. so, let's assume that you are punished for evil and rewarded for good eventually. where am i going with this? u'll see. the first argument u run into is: if reincarnation is real, then how can there be more people on the planet today than in the past? are sould dividing or being created? no, i don't think so. a sould is a soul. pretty much identical to look at but their makeup is totally different. so where are they coming from? ah ha! going back to the good is rewarded and evil is punished bit. even though there is some fucked up stuff that happens in the world today, i tend to believe that the fraction is smaller today than in the past. people now know that bigotry is wrong and slavery is wrong and marrying twelve year olds is wrong. in the past it was accepted, kinda. was it accepted or just so widely practiced that no one was going to say it was not a good thing? well, obviously the latter is the case. so assuming that more good is done in the world today that was done previously, souls would be rewarded and not punished as much. how do you reward a soul? rebirth into a better situation. punishment is rebirth into a worse situation. if u were a bad human u may be reborn as a dog, or even worse, an ant. given the amount of killing that goes on every day and the number of animals slaughtered each minute, the souls are slowly being rewarded or restored to their human state. do u follow? it was just a thought i had and decided to share. nothing really profound. oh, well. hope u got a kick out of it. later.

december 21, 1999 (6:35pm gmt+1) i just wanted to let the world know. my heart has been broken into a hundred little pieces. i have collected these pieces so as not to lose them and put them in a jar and covered the hole with a cork. i was going to wear these pieces around my neck but i am very afraid i may give pieces away without thinking about it so i was looking for someone i can trust to give them to. guess what. i thought of someone. today i bought a small box with a metal clasp and purple cloth on the inside. the bottle fits perfectly inside. i'm going to mail it to someone i think will protect it and keep it until they think i am ready to have it back. now if i could just find their address...

december 23, 1999 (9:26pm gmt+1) one of the most noble people to grace our history, i think, is the northmen... or norsemen, or vikings, or whatever you would like to call them. their kind of a hobby of mine. i love to read the sagas and historical fiction and the thing that strikes me the most is how even though their belief system told them that they would end in tragedy no matter what they did, the northman chose courage and valour to be his values. u see, the best a northman could hope for was this: to die in battle and be taken by the valkyries, female warrior spirits, to valhalla where they would sit beside the all-father until the final battle, ragnarok, in which they would fight yet again... and lose. they believed they would die and then even in life after death, die one final time in a losing battle. a people of slight character would have been given to wickedness and evil. by most accounts, though, the bravery and honor of most northmen were never to be questioned.  the measure of a man was his mettle on the battlefield and his wisdom in the councils. both held close to equal sway. once, wars were fought hand to hand where you could smell the breath of your foe and see the look in his eyes. it was your strength against his, your endurance and wits all pitted against a flesh and blood enemy. now, you kill from five hundred meters away and have no clue really who you have taken out. that is, of course, if the enemy wasn't destroyed by bombs or artillery on his way to take his shot at you. where is the courage when you can't see the fire in your adversary? if war ever was a glorious event, that time is surely passed. by the way, if you ever want to get excited about vikings and the like, i suggest reading war of the gods by poul anderson and immediately when you are done watch the movie the 13th warrior. you might also like to read the eaters of the dead as well, that is the book the movie is based on. if you really get into it i think you need to read the sagas. i just started. on a side note, to all you women out there with men you are hiding something from: don't talk in low tones on the phone when your dude comes in the room or hide in another room with the phone in hand. he's really not that stupid. he'll know something is up. besides, if you are going to be that disrespectful... just tell him what's up. it's not going to make him feel any worse.

december 31, 1999 (11:22pm gmt+1) yeah, i know. i should be watching some celebration somewhere or be at a party or something, right? well, i'm not and if u know me u know why i'm not. and yes, i am highly pissed i am missing the biggest party to hit the planet since... well, since the last biggest one. so, being the end of the previous 1000 years it is only appropriate to do some introspection, right? the thing that i wanna talk about is why my views change and why it is hard to get the same answer out of me twice on certain questions. i'm just gonna run u through my thought process on this. i don't like being stressed. i used to have an iron stomach and an unshakable certainty of myself and, well, i lost it somewhere. my response is to limit the amount of stress in my life. the way i do this is decide what is important and what is not. u know that guy who pulls out in front of u on the freeway and goes slow that pissses u off even when u have hours to get where you're going? usually, it doesn't bother me. there's no reason for me to stress over it. i try to dismiss it. so, with this in mind. i am asked my favorite color, my favorite smell, my favorite food, actor, movie, etc. how do i decide? instinct. i think u may see a pattern here if you have read the crap above this. instinct does it for me. i answer what i feel at the time. my favorite color has been violet, black and blue within the last month. i even liked that electric lime green once. what i am saying is that it is not important enough for me to clutter up my mind remembering what ice cream i like best (brownie nut fudge, at least for the last two decades it has been). another thing, don't try figuring out what is important to me by asking me the same questions and seeing which have consistent answers. that is manipulative and inaccurate. i learn things every day and have things happen to me that change my opinion often on a myriad of subjects. i can only tell u what i believe at the time. are there things i am sure of? yes. there are quite a few things i am certain of. all the things i am certain of i know by instinct as well. this helps to guard against the pure idiots who want proof of everything and fall back to the age old: how do you know it's a tree and not just something we call a tree? this philosophy is the most idiotic thing i have ever heard of. until we develop a form of communication that is not word and character based and can convey emotions and smells and feelings all at the same time (telepathy if u will) the tree is a fuckin tree. and by the way, if this happens to be your philosphy (the we call it a tree crap) you are not a person before your time. you are a person who likes to try to win arguments by talking in circles. if u truly believed in this thought process, you wouldn't argue because after all, it's just called an arguement, right? and you wouldn't be changing the way anyone thinks or gaining any advantage over anything, because it's all not real... in fact, u might as well... eh, u know what to do.

january 1, 2000 (5:22pm gmt+1) odd. i noticed something today that i am not at all happy about. we as people take pride and place importance on our individuality to be sure. then we go to great pains to water down that individuality to fit in. by fit in i am not talking about conforming to a clique or something. i mean we fit in to societal norms whether u would like to admit it or not. the guy who spikes his hair a foot in the air and dyes it green still won't call a cop a pig to his face and will usually only insult when there are mitigating circumstances. why is this? well, i will grant that calling a cop a pig to his face is not at all a safe play but he's most likely polite to people he doesn't want to be polite to. he may want to tell every person with guess jeans and a levis t-shirt that he sees that they are victims of marketing and magazines but he won't. it's too much pressure for him to take to be himself. anyway, taking a step back from the extreme, the average every day person has likes and dislikes they are afraid to express because their opinions are unpopular or societally incorrect. you aren't allowed to discount whole cultures, disparage a religion (unless it's considered a cult... and who decided this by the way?), attack personal choices or use certain words. other things are added to this list over time. how long before this list is the definition of an approved personality? i find it shameful that we pick and choose which wrongs are wrongs. let's take a racist for example. more specifically, this racist doesn't like hispanics. does it matter if he is a racist because he was raised that way or became that way because his wife was killed by a gang in LA? do you want to be the one to say he's wrong? is it his personal choice? if he doesn't push his beliefs on you, do you have a right to push yours on him? is he a bad person or an uneducated person? will you bother to ask yourself these questions before condemning him? if you were a computer geek, a clerk at a porn store, a lover of animal furs, or a racist like the one above, would u have the courage to announce it in a restaurant? would you answer honestly at a job interview? would u answer honestly to the police man who just pulled you over for speeding and was trying to get a feel of the person he may be giving a ticket to? i guess what i'm getting at is that i understand that you can't go out and air every unpopular view to the populace at large. what i am a little worried of is what i mentioned above. what if we limit so severely which likes and dislikes are acceptable that we limit who people can be. we will soon be clones of one another. all thoughts will be the same and all books, movies and foods will have the uniqueness of tofu. i cannot think of anything more bland (please, no email from rabid vegetarians... except my favorite rabid vegetarian, of course). just be careful the next time u dismiss someone's view without thinking about it. consider even the most extreme reasons that may be behind it. oh yeah, happy millenium.